Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
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[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
12. I think about this all the damn time
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Pickled cat.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.