Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
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Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I love wikipedia
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Mad Max: Furry Road
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train