Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
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*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*