If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
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I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
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*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
incredible text to wake up to
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.