I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
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I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?