When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
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Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.