CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
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I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Twitter remains undefeated
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house