Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
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Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”