Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
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Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I thought this was funny lol
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder