The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
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hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
The old gods are rising again.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.