FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
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Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
the answer was staring at me all along
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.