Me irl
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[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Hit me in the face with a bird
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now