“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
You Might Also Like
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
guys i’ve cracked the code
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.