[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
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“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Where is your GOD now????
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”