You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
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[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.