An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
You Might Also Like
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Optional boss fight.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.