My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
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me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Care for your back
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!