Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
You Might Also Like
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Cake!!
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.