*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
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Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.