america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
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It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
this is the greatest thing ever
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative