if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
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Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
My Plans 2020
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”