Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
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[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*