I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
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I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
do horses think humans are hats
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”