I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Perfect.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
What about a To-Don’t List?
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday