I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
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Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
selfie game
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Brother?
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home