Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
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ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.