[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
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Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
#dnd #ttrpg
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.