Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
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Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
this is what they would have looked like, though
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.