Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
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I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
peak technology
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a