There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
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Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net