I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
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When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE