God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
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Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download