Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
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[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
🤔😂😂
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.