Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
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I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
black phone good
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God