is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
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If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Vodka burrito was a success
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.