I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
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Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??