“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
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To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
(Jupiter –
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION