“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
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WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.