Alexa, make me look good naked.
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I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
For the baby who has everything
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.