PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much