Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
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One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Try and stop me.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it