I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
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His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away