I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy