[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
You Might Also Like
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do