Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
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Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
How wrong was this guy?
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular