How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
You Might Also Like
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.