they finally got him. they got macavity
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Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Baller is short for ballerina
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.