Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
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Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts