interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
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The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls