Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
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astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going